Dreamer

Everything is Different Now that I See You

2011-04-17T23:26:00.001-07:00

I don't like feeling bullied.

Especially not when the bully works through someone else. Someone I love. Bullying me through manipulation. I don't roll that way.

And maybe this comes from growing up under the care of someone with a control issue, but I feel like I am being forced out of somewhere I love to be because of one person's opinion.

My boyfriend's brother. Currently, on the people I like scale, he's 0 for 2. And I've had about enough. Every time I see him, both my boyfriend and I spend the night in tears. He makes me feel like I'm a terrible person and he genuinely upsets my boyfriend. And I feel like he gets some sense of redemption out of it.

He thinks I'm bad for my boyfriend.

Which, admittedly, I've thought on several occasions. But it's one thing when I'm saying, "oh, I encouraged you to become the person you were afraid to be." It's another thing entirely when members of the family think I've changed him for the worse, turned him into something to be frowned upon. Taken him from the unfair pedestal you've placed him on and let him be human.

When someone you love grows up, changes, goes through something that is supposed to make you older, you never look at him and say, "What happened to you?" That one I took personally. I happened to him. And God forbid he's happy if he's not being perfect for you.

I know what it's like when people that are supposed to love you expect perfection. That exact attitude is what ruined high school for me. What none of them seemed to realize is that they weren't perfect either. Now, imagine the same thing, only you actually like the people demanding perfection from you. It's completely unfair.

I'm losing myself trying to compete

With everyone else instead of just being me

I don't know where to turn

I've been stuck in this routine

I need to change my ways instead of just being weak

I don't want to be afraid

I want to wake up feeling beautiful today

And know that I'm okay

'Cause everyone's perfect in unusual ways

I have only said "I love you" to one person and didn't mean it, and that is my stepmother. I love my boyfriend. I want to start a family with him. But that means that his little brother and I are going to have a Come To Jesus meeting. I'm the kind of riff-raff you don't want to mess with.

And I don't get bullied.

Beautiful Melody

2011-02-21T14:26:00.001-08:00

Well, it's been an interesting week. Let's start with last Saturday, when I underwent an entirely new experience with a few of the people closest to me. Hardcore drugs are nothing to fuck with, especially when you're screwed up as it is. But I took a leap of faith, and I'm glad I did. I learned two important things that night.

1. I can't do the fuck buddy thing

2. I've become okay with who I am.

Yes, I'm still insecure. Yes, I'm still afraid of everything I do. But at least I can accept that now.

Sunday. I found a new fuck buddy. See, my conscious mind decided that my heightened mind was full of shit.

Monday (Valentine's Day). I made a whole bunch of new friends in unexpected places.

Tuesday-Yesterday. I spent all the time I had with one person, talking, laughing, getting to know him. Somewhere around Thursday, I knew something was different. Friday I missed him [which is definitely not normal for me]. Saturday, I asked my roommate if I was in over my head. Sunday, I smoked Hookah until my brain fell out and asked DJ his opinion. And this morning, at 2 am, after hours of talking and confessing and thinking, I decided that I can't be afraid of what James did to me anymore.

Now, here I sit. Happy. Tired. Sore. Content.

I Miss Your Smile

2011-01-28T11:38:00.000-08:00

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

Beauty in the Breakdown

2011-01-25T10:42:00.000-08:00

Today is one of those days.

Not "Something's wrong, but I don't know what"

Not "I want to crawl in a hole and die"

Not even "Why the hell did I get out of bed this morning"

More like

Content

And God, when does that ever happen?

This semester has been revitalizing. My father can say all he wants about where my life is going, but I know what I want. And right now, I'm happy. And it's my life. Why shouldn't I be?

I've made excellent friends, I'm finally on track with my classes, I'm healthy [and getting healthier], and I haven't had a lonely night since I got back to Verm. At night, when I can't sleep, I'm thinking about how well my day went, instead of thinking about everything that went wrong. Eat your heart out, Daddy, I'm finally getting things right.

Let's see how long this lasts.

RoboCop

2011-01-23T15:49:00.000-08:00

All men want is sex

That being said, all girls want is sex, too. But I'm pretty sure the the definition of sex varies between the sexes (no pun intended).

My boyfriend is mad at me. But part of being a woman means that, unless he's mad at me for something significant, I don't have to care. And since boys lack the capacity to think with the head on top of their shoulders, he's never mad about something real.

That being said, I'm mad at him. See, this is why I don't do relationships. Bah! This is infuriating.

Alcohol Hero

2010-12-28T08:04:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you a secret

We're all goddamn fantastic

No boy, girl, parent, teacher, or friend can take that from us.

Live it.

Six Feet Under Screams

2010-12-05T23:46:00.000-08:00

"I saw you two dancing together, with those affectionate little kisses. That's how you know you've got the man, those little kisses."

Affectionate kisses.

I had this dream a couple weeks ago where I had the perfect boyfriend. It wasn't sexual, wasn't fantasy, it was just... real. I woke up feeling amazing; like everything was going to be okay. But what made this dream guy--whom I'd never met before--so amazing were the affectionate kisses he'd just randomly give me.

And then I walked into the Honors Lounge on Monday.

Dream guy, standing there.

So, of course, the first thing I think is, "he is way out of my league." But lo and behold, we get together the next night. AND HE DOES THE AFFECTIONATE KISSES THING.

But I'm so fucking confused. This week's been so up and down for me. I don't know where to go from here, really. Help?

Nothing Less Than Beautiful

2010-11-22T22:24:00.000-08:00

Looking over old journal entries is a really bad thing to do. Especially when you've spent most of your life battling depression and you're trying to find something worth living for.

It seems to me that life is beginning to become a series of difficult decisions. And each decision has worse consequences as time goes on.

But here's the most pressing issue:

What is love?

Is love just?

Can love be one-sided?

Can love have limits?

Does love mean two people putting in equal effort?

Is love watching someone you care about suffer and actively doing nothing to help?

And if being in love with someone is hurting you so much you're considering suicide, is love ever really worth it?

Love is my #1 enemy. It always has been. From my love for my mom to Elizabeth's concieved and highly dysfunctional love for me, I'm out of luck.

But here I am, falling in love again. In an unhealthy way, of course, because a functional relationship seems to be too much for me.

You know, I don't mean to do this. I've had a very active Down With Love mentality since this summer. But my emotions are never small. And once it's there, it's there. I hate that about myself. I hate it! I try so hard to remove myself from these situations. I'll wake up in the morning with a plan: I'm going to get my stuff done, stay quiet, and stay to myself. But by noon, I'm loud, skipping my classes, and doing other people's chores. It's infuriating, but I can't stop!

And it's completely degrading. I can't stand it anymore.

No Regrets, Just Love

2010-11-11T15:08:00.000-08:00

Courage.

I'm just going to take this idea and run with it.

Courage.

It's something that everyone needs.

Courage.

This last week's episode of Glee really hit me hard. It's ricocheted me into a reflective silence, one that I'm bearing with curiosity. Why am I so shaken up? It's like the first time I listened to that Bruno Mars song and knew my life was about to change forever. And it did.

Courage.

I don't know where I stand anymore. I was so sure of my sexuality. For a long time. And I just didn't tell anyone because I was afraid. But the second I get enough strength to let myself show, I meet one person by drunken accident that makes me question everything.

What do I want? I don't know.

Home

2010-09-17T22:52:00.000-07:00

Lately....

Lately I've been feeling....

During the day, I tell myself [and other people] that I'm coming to terms with being single. I mean, this is college. Relationships tie you down.

But tonight I'm alone in my dorm. I'm alone and I'm sober and the whole world is out there having fun. And I swear to god, every time I watch Glee and Kurt cries, I cry.

Can I tell you that I've created a workout program where I'm putting in 9 hours in 5 days at the gym just so I can pretend to feel good about myself? And really I'm just filling my time so I don't sit around a mope. Plus, I can blame my lack of a relationship on the fact that I'm so busy, while at night I tell myself that it's because no one will ever love me for me.

It's a sick psychological game I play with myself, but I can't stop.

Oh, and PS. I'm having flash relapses of my Bulimia days.

Lost Girls

2010-08-25T19:59:00.000-07:00

Holy mother of god, we made it. Despite everything that got in our way: Your parents, my parents, emotions, boys....anything and everything....

How did we do that?

We're goddamn amazing, that's how. Now, we have one last test: College. What's going to happen to us? Are we going to grow apart? Will we be closer than ever?

Hell if I know.

I do know that leaving you today was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm still crying. You're my best friend, no matter what [and haven't we proved that ?]. I love you.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Thank Jamie Lyn Beatty for this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAV0XrbEwNc&feature=youtu.be&has_verified=1

Guaranteed to be stuck in your head. Don't listen around parents.

I'm More Than Just An Option

2010-08-14T11:39:00.001-07:00

There is one thing on this Earth that never fails to get to my heart....

.... my iTouch.

That being said, I had it on shuffle this morning. First up: Try by Asher Book. So, of course, I swooned. Then, as though it were a sign from the gods, If I Can't Have You by Adam Lambert came up.

One line in particular caught my attention.

If I turn away, am I strong enough to see it through.

And then it hit me. He thinks I'll never leave.

Well, hot damn, Adam Lambert. You just solved all my problems.

...........and created another. Am I strong enough to just walk away?

Do I have a choice?

You Oughta See Her Fly

2010-07-28T21:05:00.000-07:00

That new song by Bruno Mars, Just the Way You Are, is revolutionizing my outlook on life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5lO4hEAJHU&feature=avmsc2

It makes me feel empowered. Valuable. Like someday, somebody is going to feel this way about me. And I'm going to be good enough. And goddammit, I'm worth it.

I've always been a person that is impacted heavily by music. It's like a different language for me, it takes me somewhere where emotions are pure and raw and honest, which is something I need. Something I don't get enough of. So thank you, Bruno Mars, for being the kind of gentleman I hope to find someday.

As for anyone (John) who doesn't think I'm good enough, things are about to change. There is no room for questioning when you're fucking with my emotions. It's time you owned up to that.

If perfect is what you're searching for, then just stay the same

2010-07-26T20:50:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of detrimental to myself.

Sticks and Stones

2010-07-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

Lately all I've really wanted is to be...

alone.

I know that's completely contrary to pretty much every blog I've ever posted, but there's a first time for everything, right? I feel so... constricted by the allegiances I feel like I owe everyone.

Oh, hey, you're my friend, let me give you a chunk of my time.

I know that's completely selfish of me, especially since I owe my friends so much. And it's not like I'm doing anything better with my time. I shouldn't be so lazy that I feel like holding a conversation is a chore.

But good god, I'm feeling so suffocated. I need me time, goddammit. I've got so much I need to figure out, so much to think about. With McDonald's, Walgreens, USD, and my parents demanding my attention, plus the need for what little sleep I'm getting, I literally don't have time for anything else.

But I make time, right? I love you guys, I do. You know that. If you're unsure, our friendship is never going to last.

I have to break out of this. Out of how everyone expects me to act. I feel like I'm missing out on some instrumental part of life.

I thought I was in love. Upon further reflection, I realize that I've never been in love. Love is where both sides of the relationship are equal. Anything less is just harmful. Degrading. Abusive.

And much, much too difficult to be wasting my time on.

John, I love you. You know that. And you're still my best friend.

But college is going to change everything, and I can guarantee you that you won't be my #1 anymore. I was never yours.

Why don't you stay?

2010-07-10T21:21:00.000-07:00

Mad Meanderings of a Mad Hatter

mumbling

tumbling

Falling to pieces

stalling

calling

All alone

Yet again

We've breached the surface of inalienable discrepancies and delved deep into the rabbit hole...

...and that was the easy part

I don't even know what's going on in my brain right now. I'm so tired, I can't think straight. There's a white fog at the edge of my vision that's driving me spare. I haven't been sleeping. ...For weeks.

I just.... I've got so much on my mind all the time. I can't get my thoughts to slow enough to calm down.

I can't hurt you anymore

2010-07-03T22:24:00.001-07:00

My biggest fear in life.... is actually kind of two things in one.

Being alone

Being forgotten

They actually go hand in hand. You can't really have one without the other, can you?

And it's really, really easy to make yourself feel forgotten with today's technology. I pride myself on being a full fledged Facebook creeper. But that's really quite depressing, if you think about it. Watching everyone's lives unfold without you in it....

That's probably why I'm still listening to Please Remember Me on repeat. But it's not exactly helping me out. The message of the song is basically telling the person you love that they should move on, because you can only hurt them. And while they're out there, living the life you wish you could give them, you're begging them to remember you in some way.

God, I wish it were that easy.

Carcinogen

2010-07-02T21:41:00.000-07:00

Anyone remember Paul?

You know, that manager that I refuse to speak to.

The one who assaulted my personal space by shaking my hand?

Yeah, him.

Well, guess what...

HE STILL SUCKS

This is Entirely Maggot's Fault

2010-06-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

Raise a glass to mend

All the broken hearts of all my fucked up friends

I'll never love again

Here we go.

I'm sitting in my bedroom, listening to Tim McGraw, and wondering why the hell life can't just be easy. My father told me today that I looked like I'd lost my will to live.

That's probably because I have.

It's my fault, I know. I knew going into this that he was gay and could never love me the way I wanted him to. But when I met him, I was alone. My "best friend" had stopped speaking to me for no reason, except to throw some insults, and I literally had no place in life. I sat by myself in the hallways because I wasn't sure who I could talk to.

And there was this (cute) kid who liked Tim Burton and looked at me when he was speaking to me. He's my best friend, my soul mate. Anyone watching would think we've been dating for years. Even people that know us think that.

But I fell in love. And he didn't, because he can't. I kept my feelings a closely guarded secret for months. It was tearing me apart, and he didn't even know it.

So I told him everything. And I cried. And he was fine. I'm pretty sure there's a song by The Script about that...

And the worst part is he's got nothing to get over. And I'm sitting here, miserable because not only is my heart broken, but I've also lost my best friend, and he's just fine.

"Do we still like.... talk and stuff?"

That was the longest sentence spoken last night. And now it's just over? A year and a half, and it's over?

I'm so stupid.

Escape

2010-05-23T18:30:00.001-07:00

Abyss

2010-05-09T20:02:00.001-07:00

I hate trying to explain what depression feels like. It makes me sound like some angst-filled teenager that rebels for the sake of rebellion and owns too much eyeliner.

Plus, there are no words that accurately describe it. Empty, lonely, crushed, scared; they all sound like an over dramatic representation of a tragic Shakespearian monologue.

Genuinely, depression for me is when I'm always alone, even though, physically, that's never the case. Even now, when I've got Stud so close to me; closer than I've ever let anyone in my entire life, including my parents. I text him, call him, tell him my secrets, tell him how I feel and yet.... I still feel like there's this wall isolating me.

Loneliness is one of the feelings I'm the most afraid of. I like having an anchor in someone because I'm so afraid I'll lose myself. I define myself by my relationships with other people. I always have. But when I can no longer identify myself by my best friends, I lose who I am and retreat into reflective silence, in which I'm stuck inside my own head.

That's what scares me the most. That's depression

Cancerous

2010-05-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

I don't like the new manager. I don't like him because he's new and because he's a manager and because he's not Steve. But the offensive atrocities of these circumstances palled once he committed a far more egregious error.

He introduced himself to me.

Without Regina, I might add.

Now, you may be thinking, "Why, Nik, is that such a big deal? He was just being polite."

WRONG.

First of all, let me precede this by saying that I am cripplingly shy. You may not believe that, but it's the truth. I despise meeting new people. New people are..... mysterious and dangerous, as far as I'm concerned. Who knows what their objective is? Maybe it's to hurt you. Maybe it's to interfere. Maybe it's to steal your pets in the middle of the night and disembowel them. Who knows? No one! And for that reason, strangers absolutely terrify me. It's like the shut-off-your-light-and-run-to-your-bed-before-the-darkness-gets-you fear, only it doesn't go away.

And this new guy comes up to me and puts his hand out, as though I'm supposed to touch it....

What part of my hunched shoulders, head down, staring at my feet with my body oriented away from him did he not understand? He deliberately came into my aisle [I know because he went right back to his display after he molested my peace of mind] to do this. I stood there, a look somewhere between terror and resentment plastered on my face, before extending my arm in a vague sort of way and mumbling one of my names. Not "Nik", I assure you, because I like that name and I do not like the new guy.

And then, --oh, it gets worse-- he forgot Steve's name. "I'm replacing....uh.... your old EXA."

I spoke the first and last words I would say to him all night. "Steve. You mean Steve." Then he walked away jovially and I had to remind myself to wipe the appalled look off my face, lest he turn around and see it.

***

This is a tragedy, I assure you. The next few months are going to be devastating.

Oh, and Steve, if you're reading this, I'm mad at you. Still.

The Solution

2010-05-03T18:53:00.000-07:00

So, I think I've figured out this whole "dating" thing. See, I feel like I go in this cycle: I want a boyfriend, I find a guy I like, we go on a few dates, he asks me out, we date for a month, I start feeling trapped, he starts to seem clingy, I get out of that mess as fast as I can, then I refuse to speak to him forever more.

.... Steve says I have commitment problems.

Which, upon reflection, is probably true. But, I've found a solution!

I'll just skip the first six months! The first 2 are the hardest, because those are my "run months". The next two are when you start to figure out the nuances of your "significant other", which is both annoying and endearing. I'd rather not, thank you very much. The next two months are the acceptable "L-word" months, where you've been dating long enough so that whatever feelings you have for the person can be construed as love and not be rebuffed.

But all that seems like a hassle to me, and I can't even make it past the first stage. I just need to test this theory. Summer's going to be interesting.

Old Hollywood

2010-04-19T15:49:00.000-07:00

When you think about it, it's not really that selfish to want someone to yourself. Any relationship you have with someone is going to change when you meet someone else, even if it's a minute change. Valuing the relationship you have with a person and not wanting it to change isn't selfish. It's kind of flattering, actually. It's like saying, "I like you how you are, and I don't want anything to change."

I'm forced to watch people change. Generally, I'm okay with change. I understand that I'm not the center of anyone's universe and, likewise, they aren't the center of mine. I take it all in stride. I listen and watch as my friends create other relationships, as I meet new people. But there is a time when a person changes so much that they lose themselves. For example, I have a friend [or two or three]. Let's say her name is Bertha. And Bertha and I are great friends. Have been for a long time. Then Bertha met a guy. We'll call him Jimbo. And I watched as Bertha dated Jimbo, and Jimbo made Bertha happy, and it was all sunshine and rainbows. Then, Bertha started talking about Jimbo all the time. After a while, she stopped being Bertha, and became Jimbo's girlfriend.

Now, imagine that happening to.... most of your best friends. Welcome to my universe.

I get the boyfriend/dating thing [trust me, I've been in 11 committed relationships]. And I know I've done the obsessive thing. But seriously. I've got at least 4 of my closest friends [yes, including Him] that I just want to punch in the face. But if I say anything, not only do I become a hypocrite, I also become the jealous friend [which, believe me, I am not] that just doesn't get it.

Excuse me for enjoying the relationships I already had.

FML

Ordinary People

2010-04-18T20:45:00.000-07:00

I hate John Mayer.

That being said, why am I listening to him on repeat? "Heartbreak Warfare"? Seriously?

Yes, seriously. It's been an all around depressing weekend. Senior Retreat [what could be more fun than listening to teachers tell creepy personal details and being locked in a gym with 73 other girls, half of whom you despise?], Family Game Night [Parts 1 and 2, oh yeah], and now I'm "doing homework" when really I'm telling Annie my secrets and depressing myself via Facebook.

I've really got to stop this. The whole "Let's look at other people's lives and see when they're better than mine" thing is getting really old. And I really want to stop. But I don't know how.

I keep looking at college as though it's this all-knowing oasis of answers to my life questions. I'm terrified to find out how wrong I am.

Spring Evenings

2010-04-12T11:58:00.001-07:00

"I'm angry with the world."

I said this about five minutes ago in the hallway. And about three seconds ago during prayer in World Religions, I realized why.

Facebook.

Twitter.

Aim.

Gmail.

MSN.

It's all way too intensive and easy to look into other people's life. And having the convenience of instant communication makes comparing my life to others' easier than it should be. That fact is making me depressed, and I'm not going to let that happen anymore. I'm considering disbanding my Facebook for a while and focusing on things that make me happy. Bike rides. Independence. Chocolate ice cream. Boys. Girls. Fun. I'm going to find things I already have that make me smile, not look at how other's are happier than I am.

If I disappear for a while, that's why. I'm off riding my bike. :]

Regina Spektor

2010-04-10T14:10:00.000-07:00

College visits always make me feel more mature. Registering for classes yesterday kicked that into overdrive. So I told Matt that I'm too smart and busy for him and killed that anxiety. Now I'm surfing Banana Republic for new clothes and studying for World Religions. And, for the first time in a while, I'm content.

Take Control

2010-04-07T08:08:00.000-07:00

I've just got to keep reminding myself that I only have 4 months to go. Since I'm registering for classes on Friday, it's not that difficult of a goal to keep in mind. However, when my parents and I are fighting, 4 months seems like forever. But I'm not going to get into that. I'm going to be happy, so I'm not going to dwell.

And speaking of being happy, I did something that will make me smile for a long time. I pierced my own ear. Towards the top, through the cartilage. By myself last night with a needle. It's something my father told me expressly not to do, so of course I had to do it anyway. I'll have to hide it till it heals, but it looks amazing.

Elizabeth told me to take control. That's exactly what I intend to do.

Stud

2010-04-04T16:16:00.000-07:00

I. Hate. My. Parents.

I am fully aware of how angsty that sounds, but I'm beyond the point of caring. They bitch and complain to me that I'm not taking things seriously. So I try to sit down and have a serious conversation with them, and they belittle me to the point of tears.

I'm just trying to become my own person. And I want to do that before I get to college. I want to have myself figured out by then. But when I try to do anything in this mother fucking house, I get shut down and then made fun of, as though wanting to be my own person is something worthy of reprimand. I don't want to go to college and lash out so badly that I have to come crawling home. I'm so tired of being under my parents' thumb. I'm going to go insane. These are the reasons I still cut. It's right in front of their faces. I come to them with a reasonable request. I mean, they're lucky I came to them before I went and did it.

They just... I told John yesterday that I want to be a happy person. That I'm tired of being depressed, I want to look at life with a positive attitude. But my parents... My parents do whatever they can to make sure I'm unhappy. I can't make it through the next 4 months.

Yellow Flowers...

2010-04-03T17:30:00.000-07:00

... Afternoon runs, High School Musical. These are some of the things that make me happy. Things I need in my life more often. I'm tired of being depressed. Tired of worrying about things I can change. Tired of listening to other people convincing me to do things I know I shouldn't.

I'm going to be who I want. I know that's going to take some time, but I'm going to do it. I've set a picture of Vanessa Hudgens [GAG ME WITH A SPOON] as my laptop background because she's happy and healthy. I figure, if I have to look at her nasty-ass face all the time, it'll kick me into high gear to be healthy and be happy. The sooner I complete the goal, the faster I get her off my laptop. Genius, right?

Crash and Burn

2010-03-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

When I’ve been listening to Jesse McCartney on repeat for three days straight, something is very, very wrong. I drove home with my windows down the entire way, including while I was going 65 on the highway. I kept asking myself the same question: what do I want?

I have no fucking idea.

In fact, every time I stop and actually try to come up with an answer, I get frustrated and angry, and I just want to do something stupid. My base instinct is to hurt, no matter what that means. I become obstinate and headstrong, and I look for every possible outlet and who would be disappointed if I went through with it. These outlets include smoking, cutting, Kevin, plotting ways to breakup other people, and random sex, just to name a few. Needless to say, I have to do something about this.

I was fine, until Matt went and fucked it up. He had to tell me he loves me. He doesn’t even know me. And now I’m trying to do anything I can to get him to not like me, because that’s how I handle things like this. I loathe feeling trapped, and that’s exactly what he’s made me feel. I am my own person, not to be caged by some 16 year old kid’s haywire emotions. Now I just want to piss him off. Hurt him to make myself feel free.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know who I am. I do know that I’m not intending to go to college dating anyone, and I thought he knew that, too. That means no falling in love. This is purely casual, dammit, and he went and screwed everything up. How does everything get so fucked up?

Sock Drawer

2010-03-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I get lost in the theatrics of my own mind. When that happens, I do irreversible damage to the real world. I do a lot of things I should regret, but the more dramatic part of me secretly loves every minute of it. The frightening part of all this is that I’m losing myself more often. And once I start, I can’t stop.

Take tonight, for example. I have that familiar longing for my razor. I want to make my scars, hide my cuts. Be the master of a situation only I can control. But the thing is I’m not upset at all. In fact, I’m rather happy. Aside from Matt and his L-Bombing—to be explained at a later date—I’m quite content. I just want to slash the flesh on my body with a dull razor for no reason. Does that make me weird?

How Are You?

2010-03-24T17:15:00.001-07:00

I must have misheard her.

That's the first thought that ran through my head as I sat in the office at Walgreens yesterday. Then, with sinking dread, I realized that I'd heard perfectly. It took about .035 seconds for the tears to begin to fall.

"Robin passed away this morning."

Robin Dawson. The nicest person on the face of the planet. Robin, who never hesitated to buy me a Mt. Dew when I had no money. Robin, who would sneak a few of my cheese-its, feel bad, and then buy me an entirely new box. Robin, who shared her locker with me for 8 months because mine was broken. Who always had my favorite flavor of gum under the cosmetics counter because I was the second best beauty advisor, even though my numbers paled in comparison to hers. Who thanked me every day for months because I brought her a stuffed Goofy doll back from Disney World. Who always listened to me complain about my parents, gush about my boyfriend, or bitch about my class work. She always demanded pictures of proms and Latin conventions [I took my camera to that convention only because she wanted pictures] and everything I ever did that meant nothing to me and everything to her because she wanted to have them in her locker to smile at.

How can she be dead? The world came crashing down in that moment. Every single moment I'd ever said anything negative about her covered me in a matter of milliseconds, burying me a curtain of guilt that I bore without complaint. Robin and I were so close. Everyone, and I mean everyone, myself included, had complained about Robin before. Why? Because she's so nice. Nice. How the hell is that a reason to complain about a person? I've definitely asked myself that question before. Which is why I tried not to do it. That's the reason the administration did everything they could to tell me in person. They knew Robin and I were good friends.

Robin took the job at Walgreens in order to help pay for her son's kidney transplant. She paid the last payment last month. She died before she could she her son get the kidney she paid for. How can that be fair?

Three days at Jesus camp, and this is what they throw at me? Fuck. Religion.

Robin, I'm going to miss you so much. Please forgive me for every time I ever said anything about you that wasn't of the utmost respect. I love you.

Jesus Camp...

2010-03-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

.. was horrendous. For starters, I forgot my chapstick before I left. Anyone who has talked to me for more than five minutes knows that I need my chapstick. I'm addicted to the stuff. So not only was I locked in a building with a bunch of Catholics, but my fucking lips were cracking. Yeah, you try listening to people talk about Jesus while your lips burn. Then you understand my agony.

I will, however, acknowledge the fact that everyone else respected my atheism, so I have to give them props. I respected their religion and they respected my lack there of. There was also a guy, Michal, from Slovakia and a guy, Máté, from Hungary. Máté and I became great friends [I mean, who doesn't want to be friends with a dude from fucking Hungary?!]. In fact, he agreed to marry me, sort of. I'm really not sure where we ended up with that one. Sorry Matt. Also, I had a conversation with a nun... with a nun.... about gay rights. And she agreed with me. A nun. Stick that in your juice box and suck it, Turnoversky.

I definitely did not get any renewed sense of faith or any life changing visions of god. I'm still content in my atheism and I still think Catholics are a bunch of hypocrites. I did, however, enjoy not having my phone and having the opportunity to play Ultimate Frisbee outside. I've missed the grass.

Oh, and I got my chapstick when I got home. So we're all good.

Eleanor

2010-03-18T23:48:00.001-07:00

"What's going to happen to us?"

"I don't know, but I don't want to talk about it. I was finally starting to like life, and now it's all going to change."

I've decided that my best work comes from folded up Walgreens receipts littered with my chicken-shit handwriting. I seem to have the best inspiration at the worst times, and by worst times, I mean at work. Most likely it's because the monotony of stocking shelves day after day gives me a lot of time to think. When I think, I have conversations with myself [today in an Australian accent] and ask myself the most difficult questions. I was hung up on college today. Unfortunately, that seems to be the topic of every conversation I have lately.

Don't get me wrong, I'm hella excited to blow this shithole, but there's always that shadow casting over my dreams. Namely, John. How can one be excited to leave the person that's keeping you alive? I want so many different things all at once. And I keep putting myself into hypothetical situations: What if Matt and I become something amazing? What if I get to college and the abrasive personality my friends love alienates me from the community? Everything I know is in this town, and that fact alone keeps me simultaneously clinging on and running away.

I tell Matt all the time that I'm afraid I'll go to college and make the same mistakes. But I realized today that it's not my mistakes that I'm afraid of. It's everyone else's. That's how I got fucked up in the first place. I can't go to college and lose myself in a sea of other people's bad decisions.

Belgian Chocolate?

2010-03-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

Mae Bues: you haven't updated yours
Mae Bues: WHY
Nik Foxy: cause I've been busy

Nik Foxy: idek what to post about
Nik Foxy: like, my fear of going anywhere with Matt.
Nik Foxy: or like, my anxiety
Nik Foxy: lack of drive for school
Mae Bues: all of the above?

Ah, hell if I know. Life's just floating by. I want to do so many things. I want to practice guitar. I want to not be afraid anymore. I want to be able to focus without high doses of caffeine.

I suppose the first two go hand-hand-in-hand. My anxiety is one in the same with my fear and Matt. I mean, I like the kid, don't get me wrong. And this is the first relationship I'm going about the right way. But I am drop-dead terrified of all of it. Not scared-of-commitment fear. I can't even place it. But every time I think of going somewhere with him, what the future may or may not hold, this sickening fear seeps through me. And I hate it! I hate it. Because I like him so much, and I don't want this to get in the way anymore. We've been in constant communication for a month. And I'm so happy now. He gives me incentive to do well. But I'm still so afraid. I don't understand it.

I don't want to be lost anymore.

Two Worlds

2010-03-09T09:09:00.000-08:00

Maybe someday, I'll get my shit together. Get focused, get confident. I've taken to long walks late at night, calling someone, and crying for no reason until I'm too tired to walk back home. But I look forward to those walks. I look forward to nights when I have too much to do, and I don't do any of it. I've got all the time in the world, and I use to do absolutely nothing productive.

My father told me the other day that nothing I have was given to me. That I'd earned every good grade, every scholarship, every shot out of this shithole. I fought him tooth and nail, demanding that the Universe had simply aligned at all the right times. He told me that couldn't possibly be true. Why would the Universe single me out? I jumped up, crying, telling him that he's got it right! That's why I'm so scared of everything. One day, the Universe will cease to care about me, and I'm going to be so screwed.

Confidence. That's what he told me. I need to understand that I work for what I have. I suppose I understand that, but I think it's more 1/2 my work, 3/4 everything working out. My limited abilities can only take me so far, right?

I went upstairs, texted my boys, and sunk onto the unmade mess that impersonated my bed. It was late, and I had work in the morning, but I didn't care. I sat there, watching my phone light up with unread texts, and woke 5 hours later to my brother bursting unwelcomed into my bedroom.

Kung Fu Grip

2010-03-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

I'm falling in love. That's the only word for it. I'm going head over heels for this kid.

Today.

I've got that nagging fear that everything could get all screwed up tomorrow, and I'll feel like an idiot.

I want that go go away. Now.

Disappointment

2010-03-02T15:50:00.000-08:00

My hands are shaking. My whole body is shaking.

I've never been this bad.

"Man up, Nikki," he tells me. He thinks I'm shaking because I'm scared. Little does he know I'm shaking because I raided the medicine cabinet and took what I could, washed down with a lukewarm Red Bull. My hands are shaking, and they will be for a while.

My cuts are aching. I know it's bad to relapse once. But twice in one night? It's not even six. I'm going to bleed through these sweatpants. And I couldn't clean the razor.

Maybe MCR was a bad music choice, but it's too late for that now.

My fingers are fumbling over the keys. You should just see me try to write. Studying will be fun.

My hands are shaking.

Decisions

2010-03-01T16:05:00.000-08:00

I should be studying. I should be working out. I should be talking to him. I should be drinking regular water, not this flavored shit. I should be nice to my brother. I should be helping make dinner. I should be feeding the dogs.

But I'm not.

I shouldn't be writing this entry. I shouldn't be obsessing over my looks. I shouldn't be feeling lonely. I shouldn't be falling asleep. I shouldn't be ignoring my homework. I shouldn't be sneaking my cell phone. I shouldn't be planning a trip to Kevin's on Friday.

But I am.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Powdered Sugar

2010-02-24T20:58:00.000-08:00

Get home. Fuck around. Eat. Fuck around. Finish my gym article. Drive Dad to Woodhouse. Work half an hour earlier than I thought. Speed to work. Late to work. Restock shelves.

Break.

I pick up my phone and make the phone call I promised I would.

"Hi, I'm bored and I'm bothering you." This is so easy. Why haven't I done this before? Maybe that's why being in a relationship isn't scaring the shit out of me this time. This time, it's easy. We talk about my boredom, graffiti, brownies [that he won't bring in, that dick], and everything else. I ran way over my break time, again.

But this 22-minute phone call compares dimly to the hour and a half we spent on the phone on Monday. I was bitching to John about how we can talk forever, but can't hold a text conversation worth a shit. I've realized that I prefer the former, but the more we talk on the phone, the easier texting becomes.

My phone sings from my dresser, where I had to plug it in because I talked it out of battery. I'm prepared for a late night, not doing my homework, talking to him.

Routine

2010-02-22T15:18:00.000-08:00

What if this is as good as it gets? One-sided conversations, half-assed homework, and sneaking food into my room is not a life. I do a lot of observing, catching subtle hints people throw out about their lives. Everyone tries to make it basic, but I see the spark. I catch the small smile they give themselves, remembering something I don't know about. I read the status updates, the blog entires, the texts: everything that makes everyone else's life seem so much more fulfilling than mine.

I've become the master of procrastination and bullshit, putting off even my own emotions in order to drown myself in the apathy of text. What am I thinking about now? Not my homework [which I'm extremely behind on], not my boyfriend [who I'm still too timid to call], and not my eating habits, which were brutally annihilated by a bagel teeming with cream cheese. I'm thinking about typing, about how I better get this scholarship so my parents will get off my ass.

I pick up my phone to another "lol" text and just shut it angrily. What's the point in trying to carry on a conversation? My meebo is up, but I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't even know why it's on. Maybe it's a force of habit. Maybe it's so I can see that I'm not physically alone.

And then a thought occurs to me. Maybe Kevin's house isn't that odd of a fascination. Maybe it's that one thing that keeps me feeling alive. I sink into this state of apathy when anything could happen, and I wouldn't give a shit. My parents take my phone? Whatever. I don't get dinner again because everyone else wants beef? Sure, why not. John could tell me he never wants to see me again and I wouldn't even flinch.

In almost a neurotic twitch, I check my phone again. No new texts, no new messages. I've finished the homework I'd been planning on using as an outlet. Plus, my guitar is out of tune. The straight razor whispers quietly to me from my dresser, but I shush it.

Tonight's going to be a long night.

Almond Joy

2010-02-21T19:23:00.001-08:00

I've been smiling for two weeks straight, yet I'm beginning to worry. Where's that blinding fear of being trapped? Why haven't I run away yet? It's like nothing else even matters. I see I have a text from him, and brilliant sunshine blinds everything else. And that terrifies me.

He came into work just to say hello to me again. And he had a rose.

Someone I dated once told me that he fell hard for me really fast. He said he wouldn't be surprised if others had, as well. That there was something about me that changed his life upside down in a matter of seconds. It was probably the sweetest thing I'd ever heard. Granted, he cheated on me not two weeks later with my friend Elise, but I'd like to believe he meant what he'd said. It seems to be a recurring theme.

I don't know. I don't understand anything that's going on. It shouldn't be this easy. I told John that Matt made me happy, and he responded with "Good. You deserve to be happy." But I don't get that either. Why? What have I done? Nothing. I've done absolutely nothing except bitch about my family and not study for World Religions.

I want to take a walk and call Matt. Too bad it's 10 degrees outside. And I'm in shorts. And I'm not brave enough to call him.

Insomnia

2010-02-18T22:49:00.000-08:00

The last time I felt this much adrenaline I was hanging over three hundred feet in the air with my brother on the Rip Cord. Even then, I don’t think I felt this much fear. I close my eyes, take a steadying breath, and hit the Talk button.

First phone calls to a new guy are terrifying. Especially when you’re hoping with everything you’ve got that things will work. What if it’s awkward? What if I talk too much? What if we can’t hold a conversation? But there’s no way to know if you don’t try.

Fifteen minutes later, my boss is smirking at me through the breakroom window, informing me that my break has been over for ten minutes. I smile back [because he knows exactly who I’m talking to] tell him I need 3 more minutes.

Was I this bad when I was dating James? This junior from Mo Valley has taken me completely by surprise. We’ve run the course: We started out as friends. He asked for my number. We agreed to go to a movie. We love to just sit around and talk. I call him to tell him about my mundane work shift. But for some reason, I’m so unbelievably happy.

I hang up the phone, grinning like an idiot, and flounce back out onto the sales floor. Steve just smirks at me, and I tell him to shut the hell up. Nothing can spoil my mood, not even Steve.

That is, however, until work ended, and we got to the parking lot. Steve, Spencer and I make our way to our cars, talking and bullshitting, when an SUV drives by and honks at us.

“What the fuck!?” I shout, and Spencer throws his arms in the air at them. They drive down the street and shout something obscene out the window. And then they turn around. Talk about an adrenaline rush. They speed into the parking lot, jump out of the car, and start screaming. Spencer and the driver go at it. I don’t think the word “fuck” has ever been used in succession this many times before. Steve jumps in as they start to shove each other, threatening to call the cops. I convince Spencer to get in his car, but the other guy feels the need to test my patience.

“Get in your fucking car!” I shout. He looks at me for a moment, then turns back to insulting Spencer.

“I’m not fucking kidding you. Get in your car, shut the door, and just go home.” The tone in my voice surprises Steve, and he tells the guy he better listen.

When it’s all said and done, I’m vibrating with energy. I want to punch the fuck out of something, so instead, I text Matt and speed all the way home.

Now I’m listening to Bed Rock, cascading rapidly from my Red Bull high. Tomorrow is going to fucking suck, there’s no doubt.

Scrappy

2010-02-17T20:35:00.000-08:00

I see him as he walks in, but he doesn't see me. I turn back to my work, pretending like I haven't been staring at the door for an hour, waiting for him to walk through it. I let him think he's sneaking up on me.

The conversation starts with a simple, "Hey, how's work?", but quickly escalates into a whirlwind discussion about religion and school and people. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm aware that I'm standing in front of the security camera, doing absolutely nothing, while still on the job. But none of that matters; I'm talking to Matt.

Fifty three minutes later, my store manager breaks up the fun. She's needed up front, and Matt and I just realized how long we've been talking. The second he leaves, every female employee jumps on me. "What'd you talk about?" "Did he ask you out, yet?" "He's so into you." "How did you guys talk for an hour?!"

I escape by pleading for my break, snatch my cell phone from the counter, and flee to the breakroom. I have two texts from him, saying "They told me to ask you out" and "Going out for a movie seems kinda old school to me." I sigh into a smile, breaking down how they jumped on me, too. And how we're gonna go out and not tell them anything. He promises he'll stop into work, tomorrow, too, because neither of us want to wait until I'm ungrounded to see each other.

I promise to sneak him into Edge of Darkness, and he tells me about his crazy brother and his cat. I could get used to this.

Mardi Gras, 2010

2010-02-16T16:25:00.000-08:00

Conge. Ultimate [with the Frisbee, thank you very much]. Jimmy John's. Sexting. Police Interrogations. I think today was one for the books.

Aside from starting a "We Hate Nik Club" [something I've always wanted, to be sure], I got to spend a good 3 hours in Jimmy John's today. Two of which were when we were locked in so the police could question us. Oh, and did I mention that Blue Eyes Pat invited Dana and I to a three-some in the back of his truck? Yeah, that happened, too.

All in all, I'd say this Fat Tuesday was a win.

Why Haven't I Been Committed Yet?

2010-02-15T19:06:00.000-08:00

I know as I drive that I am making a mistake. It has been a year since I gave in to this. Why start now? The answer comes to me before I finish the question: Sunday is Valentine’s Day. The day I’ve convinced myself that I hate because it’s commercial. In reality, I’m terrifyingly lonely. Coming here has always made me feel wanted. And who doesn’t want that?

By chance, he’s getting out of his car as I park. Let the games begin.

“Hey Nik, what’s up!?” He smiles that smile. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“I know!” I say as I lock my car behind me. I make my way across the snow to meet him in his driveway. He goes in for the hug and I comply. I did come here for a reason.

“Kerri just left to pick the kids up from school and take them out for ice cream. Why don’t you come inside, and we can catch up?”

Snow Bank

2010-02-14T15:53:00.000-08:00

I think people that say everything happens for a reason are trying to convince themselves that they made the right decision. I mean, is it really possible for everything to have a point? For instance, did my manager need to tell everyone I work with that I have a crush on my coworker?

No. Not at all.

But did he do it? Of course he did. That's just what he does.

Today, I decided that I'm going to make a snow fort. Tomorrow. By myself, of course, because being grounded is seriously impacting my social life. Also, homework and whatnot. I want to reorganize myself. I think I'll start by cleaning my room.

I'm sitting on the floor of my bedroom, glaring at the drafty window, yet too lazy to move away from the cold. My fingers are numb from guitar and texting and typing. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or content-they seem to be the same thing nowadays. That's one of the tides of life, I guess.

I believe that the universe has a hand in the happenings of the earth. I just don't think every little thing has a purpose in life. It's easy to look back and make vague connections with the past and reality, but is that fate? Or is that man's desperate need for explanation?

You May Say I'm a Dreamer

2010-02-13T21:23:00.000-08:00

And you're probably right. I'm lost in my own head half the time. In fact, staying grounded is something I'm working on this year [New Years and all that jazz]

However, I'd have it no other way. Without dreams, reality would be absolutely unbearable. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and my family [most of the time], but let's face it: I'm the only person who's ever going to understand the way I think. Even then, everything's a little hazy.

If I had my way, I'd lose myself completely in my music and my writing, but I know that's a bad idea. For now, I'll keep my feet on the ground and try to make it through senior year.

This whole blogging thing always seems a little conceited to me. I mean, who wants to hear about my problems? But I need something to keep my thoughts straight. Someplace to express my dreams. With the help of Deviant Art and a little patience, I can make this work.