Looking over old journal entries is a really bad thing to do. Especially when you've spent most of your life battling depression and you're trying to find something worth living for.
It seems to me that life is beginning to become a series of difficult decisions. And each decision has worse consequences as time goes on.
But here's the most pressing issue:
What is love?
Is love just?
Can love be one-sided?
Can love have limits?
Does love mean two people putting in equal effort?
Is love watching someone you care about suffer and actively doing nothing to help?
And if being in love with someone is hurting you so much you're considering suicide, is love ever really worth it?
Love is my #1 enemy. It always has been. From my love for my mom to Elizabeth's concieved and highly dysfunctional love for me, I'm out of luck.
But here I am, falling in love again. In an unhealthy way, of course, because a functional relationship seems to be too much for me.
You know, I don't mean to do this. I've had a very active Down With Love mentality since this summer. But my emotions are never small. And once it's there, it's there. I hate that about myself. I hate it! I try so hard to remove myself from these situations. I'll wake up in the morning with a plan: I'm going to get my stuff done, stay quiet, and stay to myself. But by noon, I'm loud, skipping my classes, and doing other people's chores. It's infuriating, but I can't stop!
And it's completely degrading. I can't stand it anymore.
The name is Nik.
"Then, all of a sudden, something very spooky started happening. Every time I came to the end of a block and stepped off the goddam curb, I had this feeling that I’d never get to the other side of the street. I thought I’d just go down, down, down, and nobody’d ever see me again."
-Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in the Rye
Looking over old journal entries is a really bad thing to do. Especially when you've spent most of your life battling depression and you're trying to find something worth living for.
It seems to me that life is beginning to become a series of difficult decisions. And each decision has worse consequences as time goes on.
But here's the most pressing issue:
What is love?
Is love just?
Can love be one-sided?
Can love have limits?
Does love mean two people putting in equal effort?
Is love watching someone you care about suffer and actively doing nothing to help?
And if being in love with someone is hurting you so much you're considering suicide, is love ever really worth it?
Love is my #1 enemy. It always has been. From my love for my mom to Elizabeth's concieved and highly dysfunctional love for me, I'm out of luck.
But here I am, falling in love again. In an unhealthy way, of course, because a functional relationship seems to be too much for me.
You know, I don't mean to do this. I've had a very active Down With Love mentality since this summer. But my emotions are never small. And once it's there, it's there. I hate that about myself. I hate it! I try so hard to remove myself from these situations. I'll wake up in the morning with a plan: I'm going to get my stuff done, stay quiet, and stay to myself. But by noon, I'm loud, skipping my classes, and doing other people's chores. It's infuriating, but I can't stop!
And it's completely degrading. I can't stand it anymore.
