When I’ve been listening to Jesse McCartney on repeat for three days straight, something is very, very wrong.I drove home with my windows down the entire way, including while I was going 65 on the highway.I kept asking myself the same question: what do I want?
I have no fucking idea.
In fact, every time I stop and actually try to come up with an answer, I get frustrated and angry, and I just want to do something stupid.My base instinct is to hurt, no matter what that means.I become obstinate and headstrong, and I look for every possible outlet and who would be disappointed if I went through with it. These outlets include smoking, cutting, Kevin, plotting ways to breakup other people, and random sex, just to name a few.Needless to say, I have to do something about this.
I was fine, until Matt went and fucked it up.He had to tell me he loves me.He doesn’t even know me.And now I’m trying to do anything I can to get him to not like me, because that’s how I handle things like this.I loathe feeling trapped, and that’s exactly what he’s made me feel.I am my own person, not to be caged by some 16 year old kid’s haywire emotions.Now I just want to piss him off.Hurt him to make myself feel free.
I don’t know what I want.I don’t know who I am.I do know that I’m not intending to go to college dating anyone, and I thought he knew that, too.That means no falling in love.This is purely casual, dammit, and he went and screwed everything up.How does everything get so fucked up?
The name is Nik.
"Then, all of a sudden, something very spooky started happening. Every time I came to the end of a block and stepped off the goddam curb, I had this feeling that I’d never get to the other side of the street. I thought I’d just go down, down, down, and nobody’d ever see me again."
-Holden Caulfield, The Catcher in the Rye
When I’ve been listening to Jesse McCartney on repeat for three days straight, something is very, very wrong.I drove home with my windows down the entire way, including while I was going 65 on the highway.I kept asking myself the same question: what do I want?
I have no fucking idea.
In fact, every time I stop and actually try to come up with an answer, I get frustrated and angry, and I just want to do something stupid.My base instinct is to hurt, no matter what that means.I become obstinate and headstrong, and I look for every possible outlet and who would be disappointed if I went through with it. These outlets include smoking, cutting, Kevin, plotting ways to breakup other people, and random sex, just to name a few.Needless to say, I have to do something about this.
I was fine, until Matt went and fucked it up.He had to tell me he loves me.He doesn’t even know me.And now I’m trying to do anything I can to get him to not like me, because that’s how I handle things like this.I loathe feeling trapped, and that’s exactly what he’s made me feel.I am my own person, not to be caged by some 16 year old kid’s haywire emotions.Now I just want to piss him off.Hurt him to make myself feel free.
I don’t know what I want.I don’t know who I am.I do know that I’m not intending to go to college dating anyone, and I thought he knew that, too.That means no falling in love.This is purely casual, dammit, and he went and screwed everything up.How does everything get so fucked up?
