Especially not when the bully works through someone else. Someone I love. Bullying me through manipulation. I don't roll that way.

And maybe this comes from growing up under the care of someone with a control issue, but I feel like I am being forced out of somewhere I love to be because of one person's opinion.

My boyfriend's brother. Currently, on the people I like scale, he's 0 for 2. And I've had about enough. Every time I see him, both my boyfriend and I spend the night in tears. He makes me feel like I'm a terrible person and he genuinely upsets my boyfriend. And I feel like he gets some sense of redemption out of it.

Which, admittedly, I've thought on several occasions. But it's one thing when I'm saying, "oh, I encouraged you to become the person you were afraid to be." It's another thing entirely when members of the family think I've changed him for the worse, turned him into something to be frowned upon. Taken him from the unfair pedestal you've placed him on and let him be human.

When someone you love grows up, changes, goes through something that is supposed to make you older, you never look at him and say, "What happened to you?" That one I took personally. I happened to him. And God forbid he's happy if he's not being perfect for you.

I know what it's like when people that are supposed to love you expect perfection. That exact attitude is what ruined high school for me. What none of them seemed to realize is that they weren't perfect either. Now, imagine the same thing, only you actually like the people demanding perfection from you. It's completely unfair.

I have only said "I love you" to one person and didn't mean it, and that is my stepmother. I love my boyfriend. I want to start a family with him. But that means that his little brother and I are going to have a Come To Jesus meeting. I'm the kind of riff-raff you don't want to mess with.

And I don't get bullied.

1. I can't do the fuck buddy thing

2. I've become okay with who I am.

Yes, I'm still insecure. Yes, I'm still afraid of everything I do. But at least I can accept that now.

Sunday. I found a new fuck buddy. See, my conscious mind decided that my heightened mind was full of shit.

Monday (Valentine's Day). I made a whole bunch of new friends in unexpected places.

Tuesday-Yesterday. I spent all the time I had with one person, talking, laughing, getting to know him. Somewhere around Thursday, I knew something was different. Friday I missed him [which is definitely not normal for me]. Saturday, I asked my roommate if I was in over my head. Sunday, I smoked Hookah until my brain fell out and asked DJ his opinion. And this morning, at 2 am, after hours of talking and confessing and thinking, I decided that I can't be afraid of what James did to me anymore.

Now, here I sit. Happy. Tired. Sore. Content.

To accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

Not "Something's wrong, but I don't know what"

Not "I want to crawl in a hole and die"

Not even "Why the hell did I get out of bed this morning"

More like

And God, when does that ever happen?

This semester has been revitalizing. My father can say all he wants about where my life is going, but I know what I want. And right now, I'm happy. And it's my life. Why shouldn't I be?

I've made excellent friends, I'm finally on track with my classes, I'm healthy [and getting healthier], and I haven't had a lonely night since I got back to Verm. At night, when I can't sleep, I'm thinking about how well my day went, instead of thinking about everything that went wrong. Eat your heart out, Daddy, I'm finally getting things right.

That being said, all girls want is sex, too. But I'm pretty sure the the definition of sex varies between the sexes (no pun intended).

My boyfriend is mad at me. But part of being a woman means that, unless he's mad at me for something significant, I don't have to care. And since boys lack the capacity to think with the head on top of their shoulders, he's never mad about something real.

That being said, I'm mad at him. See, this is why I don't do relationships. Bah! This is infuriating.

No boy, girl, parent, teacher, or friend can take that from us.

Live it.

Affectionate kisses.

I had this dream a couple weeks ago where I had the perfect boyfriend. It wasn't sexual, wasn't fantasy, it was just... real. I woke up feeling amazing; like everything was going to be okay. But what made this dream guy--whom I'd never met before--so amazing were the affectionate kisses he'd just randomly give me.

And then I walked into the Honors Lounge on Monday.

Dream guy, standing there.

So, of course, the first thing I think is, "he is way out of my league." But lo and behold, we get together the next night. AND HE DOES THE AFFECTIONATE KISSES THING.

But I'm so fucking confused. This week's been so up and down for me. I don't know where to go from here, really. Help?

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Especially not when the bully works through someone else. Someone I love. Bullying me through manipulation. I don't roll that way.

And maybe this comes from growing up under the care of someone with a control issue, but I feel like I am being forced out of somewhere I love to be because of one person's opinion.

My boyfriend's brother. Currently, on the people I like scale, he's 0 for 2. And I've had about enough. Every time I see him, both my boyfriend and I spend the night in tears. He makes me feel like I'm a terrible person and he genuinely upsets my boyfriend. And I feel like he gets some sense of redemption out of it.

Which, admittedly, I've thought on several occasions. But it's one thing when I'm saying, "oh, I encouraged you to become the person you were afraid to be." It's another thing entirely when members of the family think I've changed him for the worse, turned him into something to be frowned upon. Taken him from the unfair pedestal you've placed him on and let him be human.

When someone you love grows up, changes, goes through something that is supposed to make you older, you never look at him and say, "What happened to you?" That one I took personally. I happened to him. And God forbid he's happy if he's not being perfect for you.

I know what it's like when people that are supposed to love you expect perfection. That exact attitude is what ruined high school for me. What none of them seemed to realize is that they weren't perfect either. Now, imagine the same thing, only you actually like the people demanding perfection from you. It's completely unfair.

I have only said "I love you" to one person and didn't mean it, and that is my stepmother. I love my boyfriend. I want to start a family with him. But that means that his little brother and I are going to have a Come To Jesus meeting. I'm the kind of riff-raff you don't want to mess with.

And I don't get bullied.

1. I can't do the fuck buddy thing

2. I've become okay with who I am.

Yes, I'm still insecure. Yes, I'm still afraid of everything I do. But at least I can accept that now.

Sunday. I found a new fuck buddy. See, my conscious mind decided that my heightened mind was full of shit.

Monday (Valentine's Day). I made a whole bunch of new friends in unexpected places.

Tuesday-Yesterday. I spent all the time I had with one person, talking, laughing, getting to know him. Somewhere around Thursday, I knew something was different. Friday I missed him [which is definitely not normal for me]. Saturday, I asked my roommate if I was in over my head. Sunday, I smoked Hookah until my brain fell out and asked DJ his opinion. And this morning, at 2 am, after hours of talking and confessing and thinking, I decided that I can't be afraid of what James did to me anymore.

Now, here I sit. Happy. Tired. Sore. Content.

To accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

Not "Something's wrong, but I don't know what"

Not "I want to crawl in a hole and die"

Not even "Why the hell did I get out of bed this morning"

More like

And God, when does that ever happen?

This semester has been revitalizing. My father can say all he wants about where my life is going, but I know what I want. And right now, I'm happy. And it's my life. Why shouldn't I be?

I've made excellent friends, I'm finally on track with my classes, I'm healthy [and getting healthier], and I haven't had a lonely night since I got back to Verm. At night, when I can't sleep, I'm thinking about how well my day went, instead of thinking about everything that went wrong. Eat your heart out, Daddy, I'm finally getting things right.

That being said, all girls want is sex, too. But I'm pretty sure the the definition of sex varies between the sexes (no pun intended).

My boyfriend is mad at me. But part of being a woman means that, unless he's mad at me for something significant, I don't have to care. And since boys lack the capacity to think with the head on top of their shoulders, he's never mad about something real.

That being said, I'm mad at him. See, this is why I don't do relationships. Bah! This is infuriating.

No boy, girl, parent, teacher, or friend can take that from us.

Live it.

Affectionate kisses.

I had this dream a couple weeks ago where I had the perfect boyfriend. It wasn't sexual, wasn't fantasy, it was just... real. I woke up feeling amazing; like everything was going to be okay. But what made this dream guy--whom I'd never met before--so amazing were the affectionate kisses he'd just randomly give me.

And then I walked into the Honors Lounge on Monday.

Dream guy, standing there.

So, of course, the first thing I think is, "he is way out of my league." But lo and behold, we get together the next night. AND HE DOES THE AFFECTIONATE KISSES THING.

But I'm so fucking confused. This week's been so up and down for me. I don't know where to go from here, really. Help?